I miss bacon relationship analogies. I miss dancing in the dark. I miss cockney British voices, and taking half an hour to make ourselves a pot of tea. I miss phone conversations where we mapped the patterns of a UFO. I miss your voice in general. I miss sweet-nothings that mean everything. I miss atrocious morning breath, and I miss trying to meet you in my dreams. I miss listening to Harmontown and The Evens, or getting into heated debates on television and movies. I miss your phonophilia, and this may sound odd, but I miss your ears. Your eyes, lips, and body, that`s all a given. But your ears? Yeah, those too. I miss your ritual of smoking pot out the window. I miss your orange and black dress. I miss room service with marathons in another city. I miss watching you with my dogs, telling Adobe you`re going to take him for a picnic. I miss showers in awkwardly small spaces. I miss not getting to sleep just so we can have sleep deprived epiphanies and existential breakthroughs just before we shut our eyes. I miss going out looking absolutely disheveled with you, still beaming with pride to know that this was who we were. I miss the ticker tape where we anticipated watching the world collapse, and I miss the bench in the cold at the top of a hill. I miss when we`ll be walking and out of nowhere you begin to skip. I miss that smile on your face whenever I begin rambling my philosophies about punk rock. I miss your night time premonitions, and the sighing in your sleep. I miss the urge to buy you every stuffed animal under the sun. I miss hiding from security guards, and making out in parking lots. I miss deep relaxation. I miss happy morning texts, and kissing you while a drunk guy steals your beer on New Years. I miss buying you things, and breaking the bank just to see you grin. I miss being your prized pig. I even miss crying and holding you close through the worst of it, through hurt feelings and traumas because I knew we were going to make it through, because you were right there.
I miss how the mattress would bend, letting me know you were only two inches away from me. That bend isn`t there, and it feels like its been an eternity after twenty four hours.
What the fuck have I done?
I wouldn`t ever have let it get this bad if I knew how bad it already was. The last thing I ever want to do is hurt you and I failed miserably. I know what I have to do, but at the same time, I don`t know what to do anymore. And it has only been a day. I know you wanted silence, I know you want action and not words from me, but I have to put this here in the hopes that you might stumble upon it, or even just to keep myself from crumbling further. I want to show you my actions. I want to show the world how much you mean to me. At some point I tripped, I took you for granted and neglected to see you were unhappy. And it only takes a day to see how unhappy you actually were for me to breakdown. So I`m dropping the prose and being candid. I remember when we talked things out. I will be disgustingly trite and use every cliche to let you know how fucking sorry I am. We fought through tears because we knew it was worth it, but somewhere I made you feel like you weren`t worth it anymore, and we weren`t. You`re right. I was soaking up all the happiness and relying on you too much for that myself, while you neglected your own. Please have your share, and then some, and I will invent deities to promise on that I will keep you happy, and do my share in the relationship. I`ll give you space, I will work twice as hard as I ever have, and I will do what I can to make you happy. I did it before, and I know I still can. The next time you tell me to come over, like you did the past week and I just thought you were joking, I will come, with or without my dumbass overnight bag.
I have drive, but I`ve been on edge. I`ve been worried things had gotten peculiar, but I never flat out heard how bad things were. We said we would give 24 hours and discuss them in detail. We used to? Why didn`t we now? You’re right, I lost sight of things and lost sight of us. Some say you should live without regrets, but I know the biggest one on my list will be if I can’t prove to you that I’m worth it anymore. I made a huge mistake, and this isn’t something I will take lightly. I get bad when I’m unemployed, and I just wish we could hash this out together on neutral ground. When it gets right down to it, nobody knows our relationship better than us. You make me want to do amazing things, and I want to do amazing things out there in Vancouver, with you! I want to be at your first show when you sing in a lounge, I want to volunteer at soup kitchens, homeless and animal shelters. I want ridiculous umbrellas so we can walk down to the docks while it’s raining and look out across the water to the ocean while. I want to be there your first day of classes for radiology, if you`ve decided that`s what you want to do. I want a Dumbo and Rex rat, or even a hairless just so long as he`s yours! My preoccupation with wanting to know if I was just being paranoid has distracted me. That`s a lousy excuse, but that`s true. When you come over, and we crawl into bed snuggling, I wonder how I thought anything was wrong. Well this is wrong, and I was wrong, and Dakota, I envisioned the next year, the next five years with that ladies emerald diamond ring on your finger, and I know whole-heartedly that I want that, and I don`t want it with anyone else. You were never a here for the moment girl. There`s a reason I asked you to come with me, because you make my heart leap, you make my mind soar, and when I`m at my best I`ve heard I do the same for you. And I never want to put you in the position where I`m making you unhappy like that again. And I know I won`t so long as I get the opportunity to show you that that guy who is self-conscious about his hair with the nice eyes that you started dating, that you saw is special, is still here, he just got lost in his head for a little while. I pray I haven`t fucked up for good, I pray you can forgive me. Me! Praying! Can you imagine how dumb that looks?! This isn`t about me at all though, it`s about you, and Dakota, I would move fucking boulders for you, I`m writing this without flourish to be visceral and honest, there`s no way to make I`m sorry a magic phrase, and I don`t intend on using it without action, but you need to give me a tiny chance to show you that you`ve become a reason for me to see light at the end of every day, and I want to be there when you get your big breaks in life. Again, with singing, and I`ll say it again, but I`m blown away by your writing, because you just do it with ease and grace and it sounds like poetry without rules. It`s intimidating, but you own it. Your paintings, your humanitarian efforts, I want to see it all, I want to see the amazing person you`re becoming and I want to be the person who supports you through those dreams, and not the glutton gobbling up all of the happiness for himself. I can thrive both as an individual and in a relationship with you, and I will support you. I want it more than writing to help you become actualized, and be your partner throughout it all. I want more stories starring us, I don`t want to wake up another day or go to bed another night without hearing you ask me to tell you something. I want to travel with you to England and match our lecherous phony accents with the real deal down with the blokes in Macclesfield. I want us to be that talented couple that everyone is envious of. Not fighting for this would be the biggest mistake of my life, but I don`t know how to approach it right now because I don`t know if telling you all of this is going to make it worse or better while you`re still making a decision. Or you might have already made it, I don`t know. I don`t want to be cloying, but you are worth fighting for, and yes, I will get up off of my lazy ass and show you that. I will stride on over there to High River right now if that`s what it takes. I will blow through my math, I will get my learner`s, I will finish my application all the while doing fucking cartwheels just to let you know that you`re the one who I want to lift up and be around, because all else pale in comparison. And don`t think that just want to be that guy for you to keep you around, but for me too. I want and need it. I hate who I`ve become and KNOW I`m better than this. The list at the top? I know it isn`t complete, not only because there`s plenty more to write in, but because there is so much more I want to experience with you.
This is ugly, and muddled, and sounds so manic and erratic. I know. It must even appear like I`ve just plain lost it. And that`s because I`m well and truly frightened. I don`t just fall in love with anyone, and you are beyond special to me, and I can`t believe I let myself fall into the trap of not reflecting that every day. Dakota, I fucking love you, so fucking much, and I`m saying it with tears in my eyes, leaving my sentence structure to go to shit and my palms to sweat, please don`t let me go. You mean everything to me and I want to make you proud and make you happy again. Please. You know grovelling and begging isn`t my style, especially in such an informal and public manner as a Tumblr blog, and this is me, digitally speaking, down on my hands asking you for a last chance for the opportunity to do it in the flesh. Publicly if it has to be, in a mini-skirt, or nothing. I don`t care, choose the outfit.
I know what I`ve done, and I pray this isn`t too late. I love you, forever and always (yes, cliche, but true), your Doctor, your Companion, the man with the silencer, your Love Button, Ryan. I want to be your Ryan.
These are just words, let me give you the abundance of action to let you know that they`re more to me than that. You’re going to see it in the days to come, and long after that. I don’t want to lose you, and I’ll do everything it takes to prove it to you.
So you`re right, one day I will shave your legs.